Blogs & Sods

When you think your job’s a living hell

Tough boss, tough targets, daily stress,

Step back you lucky desk-bound ponce

Your interview was all latte’s and croissants

And two-way negotiations over pay.

Remember, you always had the final say.

You weren’t marched in line to some drill hall

To swear allegiance to the King

And clutch the Bible muttering

A pre-printed promise to the Almighty

And some of your last words in Blighty!

Your first day nerves would disappear

The office induction would ease you in.

With luck you’d get a window desk

And sweet blonde PA to impress.

Your kit - a laptop and a phone

And each day end you'll head off home.

Your “highly competitive” remuneration

Well outside King’s Regulations.

You weren’t packed up heavy like a mule

To tramp on duckboards in the slime

As reinforcements for the line.

You weren’t “invited” to dig a trench,

Your home for weeks amid the stench

(And probably your grave).

Dull days of tedium will always arise

The job spec didn’t list excitement

But you’ll curse yourself for not staying at home

When the job yanks you from your comfort zone.

You’ll think it unfair to be put under strain,

With deadlines to hit you might miss your next train.

But you won’t be shaken violently from sleep,

To obey the whistle, up and over, run

And bayonet a nameless charging Hun

Or watch your pals annihilated one by one.

You’ll never be on 24 hour alert

So be grateful, it’s bullets not spreadsheets that hurt.

A record of your time has done the rounds

Attached to countless boastful emails

All from you.

Your laddish taste in cheap vulgarity

Thinly disguised as corporate posterity.

Like the photocopy of your PA’s paps

By far the cleanest of your office party snaps.

But you’ll never make sepia tinted history

With a grave to all but worms a mystery.

And your mum won’t cling to a photograph

Of her brave boy signing up “for a laugh”

As the recruiting sergeant looks knowingly on

In his hands the death warrants for so many sons.

A snapshot in time that will hauntingly linger

The price of Lord Kitchener’s accusing finger.

Stephen Leeves

March 2014

I’m not devout

Not even close.

But if anyone could turn me it might be Sally and her Army.

This sentimental time of year helps

And the sound of brass bands usually does it.

A horn and a carol such a heavenly match

As it floats over a throng of festive shoppers

Desperate for a last minute bargain.

Most of them ignorant of a tune

All of them ignoring the rattling tin

That might help bring a speck of cheer

To some lost soul shivering in a doorway.

No disposable income

No disposable anything really,

The scraps collected over years of freezing

Far too valuable to discard.

Perspective is hard to knock into shape

When snout nosed City boys squeal “unfair!”

Their bonuses cut in faux contrition;

Well, at least until the dust settles.

Their only Christmas sacrifice

Is swapping the Krug for own label fizz

And spending less time leering at strippers.

So open your ears to the tune

And your eyes to the plight.

You don’t have to sing along

But that loose change in your pocket

Is hard currency in the land of nothing.

It might not get them a ˈOnesieˈ

But a second hand coat, courtesy of Sally

Sure beats a few damp pages of a discarded Sun.

Stephen Leeves

December 2013

The story of Rev Paul Flowers has got the red tops screaming, the police force sniffing and parliament twitching.

Drugs, rent boys and dog collars are hardly ground breaking topics. Let’s face it, the Church has had to apologise regularly for the past sins of voracious vicars unable to resist the temptation to instil a little more than the body of Christ into members of their choir.

However, the recent exposé of Paul Flowers, former chairman of Co-op Bank, Methodist minister, Labour councillor and chairman of a drug abuse charity, must surely rank as pretty unique given the juxtaposition of naughtiness and offices held.

A CV courtesy of the Brothers Grimm

Whilst chairman of the bank he quit his position with the drugs charity Lifeline due to investigations into his expense claims. Funnily enough it has just come to light that his subsequent departure from the bank was prompted by similar circumstances.

His alleged difficulty with how many zeros are appropriate seems to have been borne out by his estimation of the total assets of the Co-op Bank. When quizzed recently by the Treasury Select Committee his assertion that the figure was £3 billion was only some £44 billion off the mark.

So he’s not good at numbers but was seen fit to chair a bank.

Stories of drug fuelled orgies with rent boys have been widely reported recently but it seems it’s only the "drug fuelled" part of it that has finally prompted the church’s epiphany.  Back in the early 1980’s they forgave him for the crime of gross indecency with another man in a public toilet. His job on Bradford’s council also became rather untenable once some dodgy (albeit not illegal) gay porn was found on his PC.

So he remained a minister in a church that "does not condone the practice of homosexuality and considers this practice incompatible with Christian teaching."

Square peg

One can feel some sympathy for his position in the Church. No right minded person in a modern society would condemn a man based on his sexuality but the hypocrisy of the Methodist leaders is an interesting point.  That said there is a pattern emerging here; this man has for years been totally unsuitable for every position he’s managed to land.

Receipt or deceit?

Whilst the politicians argue about how such a ticking bomb could be allowed to wander the corridors of power, Inspector Knacker will no doubt be more interested in other aspects of the scandal.

It doesn’t need the grey cells of Hercule Poirot to spot a possible link between the very high costs of rent boys, hotel rooms and class A drugs, and a dossier of "lavish" expense claims. At the end of the day, as well as being guilty of total incompetence in his day job, our man could possibly be swapping the pulpit for the dock on some more basic charges. Just how those charges are handled however could open another debate.

Addicts who snatch bags or steal mobile phone and cars to fund their addiction can expect a lengthy spell in the slammer. White collar misdemeanours tend to get a more sympathetic hearing from M’lud with the perpetrators often spared the terror of dropping the Lifebuoy in the showers at Pentonville. Still, that’s a predicament more likely to appeal rather than frighten in this instance if the preacher’s alleged predilections are true.

Pot, Kettle

It’s incomprehensible to believe that a man with such an "alternative lifestyle" stretching back decades hasn’t attracted some rumours and sniggers.  The comedy now playing out across the despatch boxes also hints at a high level of backside covering with everyone claiming only a passing acquaintance with a man who was pretty central to both side’s ideas on banking reform.

The red benches have red faces and rightly so. They took his cash and appointed him to their Business and Industry Advisory Group. The boys in the blue corner supported the disastrous attempt to buy 600 Lloyds Bank branches led by a man with four years banking experience in the late 1970’s and only part 1 of the banking exams successfully negotiated.

David Cameron’s demand for an enquiry into how such a man could be appointed Chairman of the Co-op Bank also highlights a case of short memory syndrome. We’ve all made the odd dodgy appointment such as employing as head of communications the former News of the World editor currently in the dock facing serious phone hacking allegations.

Praise the Lord

In the final analysis, and although a lot of the Co-op Bank’s money appears to have literally gone up in smoke, perhaps the Rev Flowers could be of some real use after all the years of complete incompetence.  With his knowledge of the bible he could offer our politicians some Godly advice along the lines of sin and casting the first stone.

Steve Leeves - November 2013

put essential services in the hands of a greedy few and watch the prices rise.

The Government’s shock-horror reaction to recent energy price hikes hints that the Chancellor is either a good actor or didn’t listen very hard to his economics teacher.

It’s laughable that the man in charge of our financial well-being is part of a cabinet that in public wears that jaw-drop look of astonishment but in private knows only too well the facts of economic life. Well I hope he does.

A rudimentary study of economics at O level (remember those) explains quite early in the syllabus the tried and tested rules of supply and demand.  The rather cynical timing of the price rises, coming just before the winter freeze, shows just how the boys at the energy companies know their onions; they clearly have an inkling that demand is about to surge, clever stuff!

A heated argument

Dragging the energy company bosses before yet another Parliamentary Select Committee may make for good TV and give a few sad MP’s an ego boost but save nationalising the industry again the government are a bit toothless.

It’s an interesting conundrum; in the days of the old regional energy boards we got strikes and power cuts. Transfer control to private enterprise and we get inevitable price increases and a friendly government recommendation to wear a jumper.

But it should come as no shock when executives, with shareholders to answer to, view the bottom line as their top priority. What is a shocker however is the handful of companies providing a commodity that in some cases may be the difference between life or freezing to death have such a large playing field all to themselves.

Nothing new

The frustration surrounding the latest price rises is similar to that felt annually by the millions of long-suffering commuters who rely on the railway network. Many have seen their salaries frozen for longer than they care to remember only to see them eroded further by huge increases in ticket prices. All in return for what at best could be described as a dodgy service and at worse, more often, a complete shambles.

It’s enough to make you sit down and write to your MP but if you’re thinking of registering your disgust by post then get it in quick. Remember, Royal Mail has just been sold off too so who knows what the price of a stamp will be in the next few months!

Steve Leeves - Nov 2013

whose project doesn’t need a kick-start?

Creative projects are often left behind when it comes to funding from traditional sources.  Thankfully some creative people came up with the idea of crowdfunding as a way to fill the gap.

It’s staggering to think that many a blockbuster, bestseller or well-loved work of art has struggled initially to see the light of day. In the end it comes down to the fact that ideas tend to be a tad intangible and scare the living daylights out of the men in suits.

Kickstarter, a crowdfunding outfit founded in 2009, has so far seen 4.9 million people pledge over £500 million to fund creative projects. That’s an impressive figure, made even more so when you consider that these investments come with no promise of a monetary return.

The power of the web

The idea is simple and driven by the internet. If you have a creative project that needs funding to make it a reality, simply sign up, set out the concept and cash requirement, plus any non-cash rewards potential donors can expect. Interested parties can search the website and if they like your idea can pledge as much as they want.

A running total will keep you updated on how it’s doing, however, Kickstarter will set a time limit so it is crucial to make sure word gets round as many networks as possible in order to maximise the chances of hitting the target.

A global family

Although a US based business, Kickstarter’s net is spread wide with projects from across the globe having seen success or currently live on the site. Closer to home, photographer Tim Booth is looking for £22,000 to turn his stunning collection of portraits of famous people’s hands into a high quality 192 page book titled "A Show of Hands" to be published in 2014.

Each image will be accompanied by a short biography of the hands, what they have achieved, what they’ve been through, and in some cases will be accompanied by a quote from the sitter on the subject of their hands. And with people as eminent as Jonny Wilkinson, Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Nick Mason and Sir Henry Cooper amongst the sitters, it’s clear that these hands have been responsible for some of the truly remarkable events of modern times.

The art of giving

Of course it’s not a case of all give and no take. Rewards for helping the project succeed range from a huge poster just for pledging £10 right up to your own hands captured in portrait along with two signed copies of the book and other goodies for £5,000. You can get a first edition, acknowledgement in the book and an A2 poster for as little as £50.

Crowdfunding is clearly helping creative people succeed with sites like Kickstarter but the concept does also exist for businesses looking for finance. For all the SME’s and start-ups out there it could be well worth some investigation if the computer at the bank is still saying no.

Steve Leeves October 2013